we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
