alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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