u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
