I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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