Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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