The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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