i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I just want to make out with him forever
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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