Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
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