I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
