you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
