John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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