just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
