Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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