so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
