Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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