Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
