so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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