I wish I could punch you in the face.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
