My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I just found puke in my bra..
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
