I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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