I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize