The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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