my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize