Porn is love you can see.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
