ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
