come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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