I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
