mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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