I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
At least make sure they are 18
Why
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
