By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
