I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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