So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
