My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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