I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
