i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize
