You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Text me some of your sweat
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
