Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
