I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Randomize
