the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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