Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
