I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
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