Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I just threw up on my dentist
i wish my penis had a tongue
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
