Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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