1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Randomize
