someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
