I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
