So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
