there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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