this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
