All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
