He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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