I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
