seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Randomize
