I just pynch a tree in the face
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
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