so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
she looked like the before picture.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
