Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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