apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Randomize
