The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
