Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
