Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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