Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
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