Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
