Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
