Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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