my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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